Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when humans feel the need to disguise themselves with cheap costumery and stumble home in the wee hours with half of said costumery destroyed or discarded. For the past two days, my human, Jeanine, has been tearing apart our living room and kitchen, cutting up cardboard, painting, gluing, and sewing scraps together in pursuit of the perfect Halloween costume. Why do you humans waste your time with these futile devices?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t really care what you do with your time, as long as it doesn’t effect me. I rather enjoy chewing up a good strip of cardboard, so I am totally fine with Jeanine’s messy Halloween creation. But when humans decide to put a costume on a cat, a line has to be drawn. When Jeanine tried to put a costume on me last year, I drew a nice long line in her flesh with my claws.
It’s one thing to dress up a dog. Dogs are stupid, servile creatures that will suffer limitless humiliation at the hands of their human masters. If you want to stick Princess Beatrice’s unfortunate royal wedding hat on your dog, by all means, be my guest.
However, if you’re going to dress your cat up as a princess, you should probably expect him or her to exact revenge.
The humans who keep this cat can expect to be murdered in their beds at any given time. Not only is it cruel to dress up a cat, it’s degrading and morally wrong. Unlike yours, our species does not like to embarrass itself in public.
Now if I’m alone and I feel like looking fabulous, I may indulge in a game of dress up and a private photo shoot, but that’s just for my own enjoyment. When humans are involved, it becomes cheap and insulting. We’re not here for your amusement, people. If anything, you’re here to amuse us. So please, please don’t put us in a costume. It’s for your own good.