Today I’m going to teach you something very useful. Normally I keep my feline wisdom to myself, but today’s your lucky day. I’m feeling benevolent. Cats have known how to toy with human emotions for thousands of years, but I’ll just give you a basic course in how to make a human being cry. I’m not talking about those with allergies, though you can use that to your advantage if you’re a cat.
The most important thing is to act bored. You must never, under any circumstances, show the slightest sign of interest or empathy toward a human, unless you’re doling out a teaspoon of affection, only to withdraw it two seconds later. When you are forced to engage in conversation, make a point to show the human that there are many other things you would rather be doing, like sleeping, or simply breathing air not tainted by the person in question.
When engaging in insults, don’t go for the low-hanging fruit. (You may bat at the low-hanging fruit of a human male for amusement, however.) You want to pick up on aspects of the human that he or she feels self-conscious about, and land your digs accordingly. Humans are always worrying about their bodies, probably because they are not permanently clad in a luxurious coat of fur. Go for the small stuff. A slight cellulite dimple on an otherwise svelte frame, that one nearly-crooked tooth in an otherwise perfect smile. These are excellent fodder for a backhanded compliment. Or you can go straight for the gut and recommend a great personal trainer/orthodontist.
Put-downs are fun, but there are only so many times you can imply that someone is a fly on the most dried-up turd in your litter box. When engaging in verbal warfare, you have to get psychological. Does your human feel inadequate because he makes less money than his mate? Go for it. The more buried the nerve, the better it feels when you dig your claws into it.
If verbal intimidation doesn’t work, try sleep deprivation. This is how your military cracks hardened terrorists, so imagine how effective it could be on your friend’s unsuitable new boyfriend. You can covertly steal his phone and enable push notifications for every single app. Or you can blast terrible music from a neighboring room or window. I hear the CIA currently favors “Call Me Maybe,” but pretty much anything will work if it’s repeated often enough. I prefer to bite the offending human during his slumbering hours, but that may not be your style. Now just sit back and watch the tears roll. And congratulate yourself. You worked hard for this.